I HUMPed last night. No, not that kind of HUMP, but that's really none of your concern what I do in my free time, is it? HUMP is the  amateur porn festival put on in Seattle each year by The Stranger, which is arguably the second best weekly in the nation after The Onion.  The festival has short films in several genres.

Our group decided to get drunk before the show and went to a nearby  Happy Hour.   I saw a Brad Pitt doppelganger from his role in "13 Monkeys", got a little nervous about the swine flu as a result,  and was accidentally rude to my waitress because I thought there wasn't any pepperoni on my $2.79 pizza.

When our group arrived at the theater, I got a beer to make myself a little more comfortable. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to take the  beer into the HUMP screening, so I had to ditch the brewski as I am not a "fast pounder". (Since I am a woman, there's definitely no pun intended.) The theater was full of mostly fully-clothed people (ok, everyone I saw was fully-clothed, but I can't vouch for the rest.) Dan Savage, my personal hero, came out to introduce the show, but was rudely interrupted by my sister-in-law several times.

The first movie was a 3 person "dong and dance" routine to what I think was a Beyonce song.  Of course, as I am not personally Kanye West and haven't really listened to Beyonce since she was a member of Destiny's Child, I'm not really sure it was actually Beyonce and  had to rely on my rather unreliable sister-in-law's opinion for this knowledge.

I  did, however, realize I was a cougar in more ways than one after viewing "Citizen Came" in which a totally cute young-ish man gets busy with himself all over Portland one day. As Dan Savage called it, "movies-the-amateur-porn-movies-in-hump-5-that-is/Content?oid=2418405">Citizen Came may be the feel-good hit of HUMP! 5." I certainly felt good and more than impressed by his youthful stamina.

There were two "Leave it to Beaver" type retro films involving gay men and lesbians.  In the "The Modern Housewife", a more than satisfied housewife uses "festive" to describe her feeling after creatively using saran wrap on more than just the food.  The best line in that flick?  "It's so clear- I can see exactly what I'm doing."

There are seriously too many highlights from HUMP to thoroughly discuss them all, so I'm probably going to leave out some very good films. One great film was "Beyond Gay", which involved the "trauma" of a horny lesbian and an even hornier gay man trying to "make it work." Conversational snippets from that film include, "Are you going to give me a lady hand-job?" and after a failed attempt at lovin', "Can I get some hand sanitizer?" "Sex Positions" was another really clever  and well-edited film with some truly original sex positons.  The worst position was "The Carrie", which will more than likely never make askmen.com's top five list of sex positons. The most beautifully erotic film centered around two women in still shots with soft angles, but most of the films had more than a little touch of humor.


"Dumpster-Humpster" was all about bread and gay sex in a dumpster, which might not sound so pleasant, but was notable to me because of the sheer joy of the participants. In a scene remnicent of "American Pie", a man who slightly resembles Stiffler, but definitely in a good way, gets busy with mounds of dough. In other scenes, the men get a little "festive" with each other. The only disturbing thing about this film was the use of a loaf of french bread for flagellation purposes. Ouch.


Not all of the movies were equally as delightful to me. "The Password" was a scary movie. While S&M is more than likely all good and well, I wasn't a fan of the testicle burning scene in that film and no, you can beg all you want, I will still more than likely not reveal the password to you. I also didn't like "Our Runious Love" in which a woman literally has every single household object you can imagine placed in her orifices. Let's just say that I'll never look at egg beaters in the same way again. "The Incubus" was an arty horror film about masturbation, but I didn't go to HUMP to see a porno version of "The Ring", I went there to enjoy, laugh and get turned on.

After the show, Dan Savage (did I mention he was my personal hero?) made the rounds to find out everybody's faves. Unfortunately, by the time he reached us, my rude sister-in-law dominated the entire conversation and I had no chance to try and impress him. As for the consensus on the show? I can't speak for the entire crowd, but our group seemed to feel there was a multitude of penises in the show (including a mildly disturbing BJ scene involving ET and an adult Elliiott) and a great BJ scene as demonstrated on Larry King Live by Yvonna Yorgasm, which is more than likely not her real name. From what I could tell, if anyone was deeply disturbed by the screening, they kept it well hidden.

For those who missed out, I believe there are going to be some more screenings in Portland.