The Kinsey Institute reveals that

• 95% of people agree that when a penis goes into a vagina then "sex" has happened.
• 11% percent of people say that if there was no ejaculation, then there was no "sex."
• 30% of people think oral sex is not sex
• 20 % believe that anal sex is not sex

You can read about it for yourself, here, and the very funny (and apropos) take by Gawker's Brian Moylan here. You will notice a common trend in this survey; it's all about the penis. Ejaculation defines sex (not orgasm, ejaculation, and yes, they mean men ejaculating semen). Women, apparently, are an also ran, still, in terms of sex. And so are queer men—since oral sex and anal sex are not considered to be sex by a large percentage of respondents. Obviously, if women's orgasm is immaterial, never mind oral sex, lesbians are right out, in terms of actually having sex. In fact, it's a fairly common (and stupid) assertion that in order to be sex, there needs to be a penis. So two men can have sex (because presumably at least one of them ejaculates), but not two women. This new Kinsey study is a reflection of what we already know: American assumptions about sex assume sex is about a penis in a vagina, and that it's for reproduction.

There's a half-joking, but mostly serious response lesbians often give as an answer to the annoying question of "what do two women do in bed?" "All the good parts, and none of the icky parts." That's a response that's standing on top of the assumption that women need foreplay, but that you know, all that kissing and touching stuff is "fore play," the main event is about penis in vagina, because penis in vagina is sex, and sex, apparently does not involve "play." You will note that oral sex, kissing, and masturbation are all heteronormatively grouped together under the clinical heading of foreplay. The interesting thing about that, is that most women, of any sexual orientation, achieve climax from direct contact between the clitoris and a hand or tongue; even women who achieve orgasm from penetrative sex are in fact orgasming because of contact with the clitoris. So studies about the distance between the clitoris and vagina, are in fact about how some women are "busted" because their clitoris is not located at an optimum position to achieve orgasm during phallic penetration. That's bogus, of course, and it's back to Freud's asinine distinction between clitoral and vaginal orgasms.

Here's the anatomical truth:

If she's orgasming from any sort of contact with her vulva, she's having a clitoral orgasm. The clitoris, whose sole purpose is to give pleasure, is a rich bundle of nerves (around 8,000, rough twice the nerves in the glans penis) that extends through the glans and along the shaft of the clitoris for several centimeters, then it branches in an upside down Y, with two nerves forming the branches of the Y extending along the walls of the vagina. There are recent studies. Dr. O'Connell's use of MRI is particularly illuminating . In other words, the clitoral nerves are part of the "urethral sponge," that area associated with the G-Spot, as well as with the vagina, and in fact, the G-spot.

Regarding the existence of the G-spot, or Grafenberg Spot, despite various bogus studies (you can read my colleagues' coverage here and here), yes, the G-spot exists. It's probably easier for a woman to locate hers herself, and then show her lover, but here's how to find the G-spot. About an inch and a half in, on the stomach side or "front" wall of the vagina, there's a spongy area that varies in size from a dime to a quarter. It feels different, slightly thicker and spongy, and ridged; it's often compared to being a bit like the roof of the mouth. Gentle pressure and stimulus there is very pleasurable for many women because those clitoral nerves pass under and around it. In other words, even the vaunted G-spot orgasm is a clitoral orgasm.

As women, we need to stop thinking about sex as something for men, including placing responsibility for women's sexual pleasure on our lovers. We need to know our own bodies, and our own responses (one of the best reasons to masturbate). And we need to communicate our knowledge, our likes and dislikes to our lovers. As a culture, we need to stop defining sex in terms of penis in vagina, and male sexual response. We need to think about shared pleasure, and achieving it together.