The first night I moved into my new place, I had the Extreme Misfortune of listening in on what seemed to be a wild sex session upstairs from me. I was really tired, but managed to muffle the sex sounds of a rocking bed and an Extreme Orgasm Faker with my pillow and got to sleep.

Last night’s sexual theatrics were quite a bit louder than usual. I don’t know if it was the same girl visiting, my suspicious nature leads me to believe that she was faking her orgasm and not in a good way. Either that, or my new neighbor just happens to be the greatest lover on the entire planet. I really don’t care if his partners fake their orgasms or not, I just wish they would do it a little more quietly when I’m trying to sleep.

I have to give her a capital “F” for FAIL based on her sounds alone. None of the real orgasms I’ve experienced in my life involve loud, loud screaming for two seconds.

The difference in sounds between a real orgasm and a fake orgasm is pretty large and I don’t know who teaches these women to fake orgasms. Do the overly-dramatic orgasm fakers learn from watching porn or do they practice faking orgasms with their friends at adult slumber parties? (Here's a useful link to a video with advice on how to fake an orgasm.)

(That said, the orgasm last night at least seemed to have some rhythm. The more the bed was rocking towards the end, the louder she got. Maybe she deserves an “F+” instead of the solid “F” I was ready to give her.)

This isn’t the first upstairs neighbor that I’ve had who got lucky with the loud ladies; it’s just surprising that his partner(s) would be so loud in a building so uptight that I got a noise complaint on my move-in day.

Since I’m single now, I’m wondering if I should I go upstairs someday to give him a noise complaint on the off chance that it was his spectacular skills in the bedroom that gave her such a huge “orgasm” in the first place? Of course, having a neighbor booty call situation might not be all that great of a way to start my dating careeer.

And I wouldn’t want to offend any of his lady friends by having a real orgasm with him because that would just be rude, don’t you think?

What would you do if you were in my situation?

As an aside, if you are a man who has found yourself on this site, here's some advice for how you can fake your very own orgasms.